Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
