Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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