Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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