fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
