If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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