I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
