Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
