I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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