He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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