She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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