remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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