I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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