My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
BRING THE BAGELS
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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