if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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