i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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