he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
