It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
