the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You took a bar mat shot.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
