Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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