he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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