We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
