and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize