I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well I just put wine in my tea
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
