He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
