no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
