if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
