I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
