According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
jump out the window naked night went bad
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