I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
