Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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