somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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