so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
