I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize