How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I party with great urgency now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
