Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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