WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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