if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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