It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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