i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
