I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
