I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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