sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
