it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
