I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize