So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
