His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
