Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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