Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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