I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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