Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
