is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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