I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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