Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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