Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
