Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
