I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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