she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize