you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
