Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize