is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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