why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
