I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
