Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
