I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The air was thick with penises
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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