You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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