I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
