When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
