I showed him my bush... on skype.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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