dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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